Life after divorce
Some conversations with Jenn Cavanough
Many people in church communities have had their lives deeply affected by divorce. In addition to the personal pain, the ramifications of divorce are endless. Friendships are altered, family occasions are affected, and financial security is impacted. The loss of dreams of a shared future with an intact family may cause a deep sadness which may take many years to process.
Following is a construct of a conversation including the responses of several people who have experienced divorce.
What has been the most difficult thing for you as a result of your divorce?
'For me it has been the whole concept of myself being turned upside down.'
'Yes. I still find it difficult thinking of me as divorced. I struggle with accepting myself as a person who is divorced.'
'What I've found most difficult is coming to terms with my contribution. I ask myself, "If I knew then what I know now, would I have found a way through the issues that led to our divorce?"'
'I thought marriage was going to be for life. The shame, the sense of failure and guilt, and the loneliness has been painful.'
If you could find one thing in this painful experience that you would like to share with others, what would it be?
'Well, you could sit around all day and blame the other person for the divorce, especially if you are the one who has been left. This would be easy because of the hurt and the anger. Eventually you have to take a look at yourself and see what you did wrong in the relationship.'
'Yes, coming to terms with my contribution hasn't been easy. I could understand that it was forgivable by God in my head, but it has taken years for me to feel I was forgiven.'
'I have grown much closer to God as a result. I'm more aware of things about myself and how I related to people. My friendships now are deeper, and I have a stronger sense that God is there.'
What has helped you to find this sense of healing?
'Talking about the divorce was important, and having friends who kept contact with me regardless.'
'I had to learn I could not do it by myself. My church was supportive, and the love they showed me helped me to reach out again when it would have been so easy to hide away in shame.'
'In a way it's harder than death. I do know that Jesus has helped me to forgive, let go, and move on in to a new life. I have grown through the experience of my divorce. It's a time when I have learnt to rely on God and find a new meaning for my life. I know God hates divorce, but he does not reject me as a person. My church has shown that to me by the love they have shown me.'
Christians can never be divorced from God and his family.